mistaken identity: BARNEYS NEW YORK

Husband left for BFE, Texas at the butt-crack of dawn this morning for a ranch implement and farm equipment auction …… but not before putting his ice-cold hands on my back and waking me from an unconscious slumber where I was a size single-digit, sipping a Mai Tai, and sunbathing on a tropical island. He thought it was funny. I thought payback will be fun. Ahem.

He also said, “I brought the mail in from yesterday, you got a package from New York City.”

RISE AND SHINE!

I untangled my non-slumbering self, did my usual morning habits, and made my way into the kitchen to see this mysterious package from NYC. What I found was a carefully wrapped catalog from BARNEYS NEW YORK, the snazzy shopping destination for people NOT like me. Why do I have this catalog? How did Barneys get my address? Did someone buy me something and the catalog arrived before the present? Am I dreaming? Did I win the lottery? Who am IThis has to be a monumental mistake of identity. 

I pulled up a seat at the dining room table – ignored the fact that I can’t see the top of the table for all the clutter, including cookie cooling racks, plastic storage containers, Angel Tree gifts, month-old mail, and a package of Charmin Ultra-Soft toilet paper – and opened the BARNEYS catalog.

Let me just tell y’all ………. this thing is epic. I spent several years in marketing and business development creating proposals and spending countless hours at print shops deciding on cover images, paper stock, and binding options. This catalog put all that to shame. The paper feels like satin but it’s as thick as cardboard.

This itty-bitty diamond ring …… that costs 58 THOUSAND dollars …… graces the cover.

If that didn’t knock you off your rocker, what about a pair of Christian Louboutin Bollywoody embroidered suede peep-toe double-platform pumps? They’ll set you back only $2,800.

Who is Christian Louboutin? Does he work at Target?

I spent an hour last night sweeping dirt and dried horse manure off the utility room and kitchen floors. Husband doesn’t always take his boots off when he comes inside. It’s a battle I refuse to fight. Instead, I’m thankful the Dyson never loses suction. Forget the rubber Crocs, these platform pumps are much more Housewife-appropriate. Oh. My.

If I’m picking out the creme-de-la-creme for myself, it’s only fair that I pick out something for Husband. Since the weather has taken a turn on the cool side, how about these red fox ear warmers and beaver skin scarf? These would go over WELL at the roping pen. The hat is $1,200 and the scarf is $575. Oh. Em. Gee. 

I was enjoying my catalog shopping experience until I reached the last page and read this:

PERSONAL SHOPPERS AVAILABLE ………. Our mission is to pamper you! Too busy to shop? Let us come to your office, home, or hotel, with fitter in tow.

Yes, BARNEYS NEW YORK. please send a Personal Shopper to the middle school and tell the campus secretary that Miss H’s personal shopper is there to get measurements! Or, better yet, come to my home. But, you’ll have to excuse the mess. Can I offer you some sweet tea? Why, yes, I do serve my tea in a Mason jar. Is that a problem? Ignore the clutter. And piles of laundry. And dirty dishes on the counter and in the sink. And dust bunnies. And the un-made bed. And dried horse manure.

 

I think the Butler just rang from the utility room ……

Oh wait, that was the dryer signaling me to fold more towels.

 

🙂

 

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Comments

  1. i agree Nicole, this may be one of your best. I can so see both of us being at home hearing the door bell ring and in walking the personal assistant from Barney’s. I personally would have to pick him/her up off the floor as soon as she stepped in my chateau, then again as she pulled the tape measure out of her bag to take measurements. Not all people are meant to be a single digit size, nor are they all meant to be neat freaks. One of my very dear customers said it best years ago speaking of company coming into “Her” home. “surely to shi-t if I can stand it 24 hours a day they can stand it for a couple of hours. If not make reservations at a resturant and let me know when to come. thanks for the blogs.

  2. Nicole.. you crack me up… I can picture in my head as I’m reading, that you, my dear are a real honest to goodness person that I would have a riot being around… when you write about your cluttered table, dishes in the sink, dust bunnies and.. that you’re not this ‘squeaky clean, no clutter, can eat off your floors kind of person… well, I can tell we’re related… Keep up the blogging, girl….. you make my day

  3. You’re so hilarious!!!

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