It’s 3:30 am, I (almost) peed myself

I’m trying to remember what happened approximately 17 minutes ago, but it’s difficult for me to do this during daylight hours ~ much less at 3:30 in the morning.

I was sound asleep in La-La Land, dreaming about food and cooking (doesn’t everybody dream about this?!) when, all of a sudden, I wake from my slumber and see an orange and yellow glow coming from the kitchen.

OH MY GAWDDDD, THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!!!!!

I jump out of bed and run TOWARDS the orange-yellow glow. When I got to the living room, I heard a man’s voice,

What’s wrong?! What’s wrong with you?”

GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALL HER ATTACHMENTS!!!!!!!!

At 3:30 am, on the ninth day of July, in the year of our Lord, I almost peed myself.

Thank goodness there was a wall behind me for support, because my legs turned to jello. Hearing my Husband’s voice almost scared the pee out of me!

Me: What are you doing?

Husband: What does it look like I’m doing?

Me: Well, hurry up – I have to pee really bad.

Husband: What’s wrong with you?

Me: I thought I smelled something burning and when I woke up, I saw a yellow glow in here.

Husband:You need to get your eyes checked.

Me: Well, you need to NOT light up the house just to pee!

From the moment I woke up thinking something was burning to attempting to see past eye-boogers, the glow in the kitchen was actually THE DAMN BATHROOM LIGHT.

Are you kidding me?! Who needs to light up the house like Times Square to pee?

 

Do all men turn on the lights when they pee? Do women turn on the lights and I just don’t know it?

 

There are lessons to be learned in the wee hours of the morning:

  1. Stop dreaming about food.
  2. Don’t drink so much water before going to bed.
  3. Get your eyes checked.
  4. If you think your house is up in flames, it could be your Husband’s in the bathroom.
  5. Change the batteries in the fire alarms ~ in case #4 is NOT happening!

Husband and I made it safely back to our bed, but as I was laying there I couldn’t help but think 1) how hilariously stupid I just looked and 2) what if something bad had really happened?! Perhaps the most important reason I couldn’t go back to sleep: I knew this ridiculously funny (and embarrassing) event had to become a blog post. I love knowing that somebody else is going to laugh out loud at my pre-dawn story of almost peeing myself.

Aren’t you glad I got out of bed and posted this for your reading pleasure?

Me too.

Now, I’d really like to get a few more hours of sleep.

Goodbye.

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Comments

  1. I will admit..I chuckled..a lot. 😉 That was pretty darn funny. I think it is a guy thing to turn every light on in the house just like when they cook they feel it’s necessary to dirty every single pot, pan and dish even when it could be done with a total of 3.
    🙂

    • Husband doesn’t cook so I can’t blame the excessive cookware use on him. I will razz the ever-lovin-bejeebers out of him regarding the lights in the night, the toilet seat, and setting dirty dishes on the counter instead of the sink or (gasp!) INSIDE the dishwasher. Gotta love him, sure can’t live without him. HAHAHA

  2. Celeste Zachry says:

    Ummm…ever since a city-sewer rat, the size of a Chihuahua, equipped with webbed feet, made his way into our toilet the summer after I graduated from high school, I tend to flip the lights on long enough to check the toilet for varmits.

    So, in my house, you might think it were lightening inside??? Boy, that was one exciting day at Mom and Dad’s…probably more-so for Mom who found the dog-rat when she went to pee in the middle of the night. Sooooo gross! Thank goodness my dad is a country-man living in the city; he handled it well. Mom? Not so much! 🙂

    And by the way – I happen to think dreaming about food is completely normal, especially considering how many cooking/Master Chef/cupcake – type shows we watch on television…well, at least at OUR house, anyway. Who WOULDN’T dream about all that deliciousness? I mean, really?

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  1. […] the original: It's 3:30 am, I (almost) peed myself – 27 & Counting Posted in Uncategorized | Tags: does-it-look, smelled-something, […]

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